Monday, November 2, 2015

Day 1 - Birth

Day 1, the first day of my blog. The beginning of a new creation, this is the birth of an idea. I plan to blog for 10 days about the memories of my life, before my memories are gone from this plague they call Multiple Sclerosis. 

Long ago I came to be on day 1, the first day of my life. It was June 8, 1966. I sometimes wonder what that day was like. Was it gloomy or fair? Did the birds outside the hospital window sing in joy?Did I cry or smile in awe as I came to be in this world? Was my mother screaming in pain or delight or was it a bit of both? I wish I could go there and see for a moment my arrival though the birth canal as I first saw my parents faces as I entered the light.

It wasn't until many years later that I would watch in amazement as my own children came into this beautiful world. I can only imagine that the endearment which I underwent each time at that precise moment they arrived was similar to what my own mother endured . I remember how awe struck I was that day as I held each one for the first time peering at their tiny features as I stroked their perfect little fingers as they grasped mine. Is this what my mother and father experienced?

Through the years there have been many first days, school, work, even the beginning of a trip to a far away place. None could ever compare to the birth of a child. Nothing I do today, tomorrow, next year will ever be more perfect then those 4 days so long ago.

Still, I can only pretend to know what it was like that day 49 years ago. I can only antisipate that my mother felt the same way. Was there still that glimmer of love in my parents eyes or had the slow cracking of the shell which encased their love already begun to crack. Did they look at me with hope or dispare, another life clenched in the perils of what was inevidable?

There is no way for me to ever really know. My mother has been gone for 27 years now and my father left this place 5 years ago so there is no asking them. So I can only imagine. Still, as the saying goes, I sure wish I could have been a fly on the wall that day.

I bet the birds where singing.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Love, Life, Death, and Heaven

It's been a long long time. How are you my friends?

So much has happened since my last post, after all it has been six years. I lost my dad in 2010 and officially became a card carrying member of the "orphan club". Both my parents are gone and now I have to be the grown up. It's not an easy task for someone who has no clue to exactly what a grown up is supposed to do. Hard to believe that someone in their late 40's hasn't reached that point in their life yet. It was a difficult choice but I made it long ago.  I enjoyed being the carefree happy spirit and now I'm just old and grumpy.

Two weeks after my father passed away I found out I was pregnant at 43.  Unfortunately, I lost the baby at 13 weeks. So not only did I join the orphan club but I became a member of the lost a child club. I think about him sometimes like what he would have looked like or what his first word would have been type things. I occasionally see a small boy the age he would be and I ponder if he would have been like him. It can eat you up if you let it. Last year my step son died unexpectedly at 23 from a virus that effected his heart. It's all been too much seriously.

Speaking of death, people often say how God has this incredible plan for our lives or talk about heaven as if it is this utopia of beauty where no one feels pain or sadness. I have a hard time with this because if there is a God and he is all knowing and loves his children why would he not realize that taking my loved one's away would rip my heart to shreds? Why would this God give me an incurable disease that left me with these holes in my head? How does he know that when my time comes that I want to be with him in this Utopia? Why do we work so hard and play so little if it is all in vain because there is no forever here? I've thought about this a lot and I honestly want to be here with my children and grandchildren; not in some paradise that feels like a vast desert compared to the beauty and love I feel, smell, taste, and see all around me here on earth. It would be heart wrenching to watch over my family from above and not be able hold them when they're sad or comfort them in my death. It just seems unfathomable that our supreme creator could be so sadistic.

Yes, I ponder these things often. Soon I will post again and it will be more upbeat but until then I leave you with the photo above. Appreciate life, love, beauty and your family. Take time to smell the flowers, tell your loved ones how you feel, and stop to appreciate the beauty of earths tiny creatures like this butterfly. I hope that when my time comes heaven is laden with rivers, mountains, valleys, oceans, butterflies, horses, pizza, icecream, and yes my parents and other loved ones who have left a void in my heart all these years because they perished way too soon. Meanwhile, I am going to go practice being a grown up by cleaning something, pay a bill, or accomplish something that will eventually be meaningless to others once I'm gone.