Day 1 - Birth

Day 1, the first day of my blog. The beginning of a new creation, this is the birth of an idea. I plan to blog for 10 days about the memories of my life, before my memories are gone from this plague they call Multiple Sclerosis. 

Long ago I came to be on day 1, the first day of my life. It was June 8, 1966. I sometimes wonder what that day was like. Was it gloomy or fair? Did the birds outside the hospital window sing in joy?Did I cry or smile in awe as I came to be in this world? Was my mother screaming in pain or delight or was it a bit of both? I wish I could go there and see for a moment my arrival though the birth canal as I first saw my parents faces as I entered the light.

It wasn't until many years later that I would watch in amazement as my own children came into this beautiful world. I can only imagine that the endearment which I underwent each time at that precise moment they arrived was similar to what my own mother endured . I remember how awe struck I was that day as I held each one for the first time peering at their tiny features as I stroked their perfect little fingers as they grasped mine. Is this what my mother and father experienced?

Through the years there have been many first days, school, work, even the beginning of a trip to a far away place. None could ever compare to the birth of a child. Nothing I do today, tomorrow, next year will ever be more perfect then those 4 days so long ago.

Still, I can only pretend to know what it was like that day 49 years ago. I can only antisipate that my mother felt the same way. Was there still that glimmer of love in my parents eyes or had the slow cracking of the shell which encased their love already begun to crack. Did they look at me with hope or dispare, another life clenched in the perils of what was inevidable?

There is no way for me to ever really know. My mother has been gone for 27 years now and my father left this place 5 years ago so there is no asking them. So I can only imagine. Still, as the saying goes, I sure wish I could have been a fly on the wall that day.

I bet the birds where singing.

Love, Life, Death, and Heaven

It's been a long long time. How are you my friends?

So much has happened since my last post, after all it has been six years. I lost my dad in 2010 and officially became a card carrying member of the "orphan club". Both my parents are gone and now I have to be the grown up. It's not an easy task for someone who has no clue to exactly what a grown up is supposed to do. Hard to believe that someone in their late 40's hasn't reached that point in their life yet. It was a difficult choice but I made it long ago.  I enjoyed being the carefree happy spirit and now I'm just old and grumpy.

Two weeks after my father passed away I found out I was pregnant at 43.  Unfortunately, I lost the baby at 13 weeks. So not only did I join the orphan club but I became a member of the lost a child club. I think about him sometimes like what he would have looked like or what his first word would have been type things. I occasionally see a small boy the age he would be and I ponder if he would have been like him. It can eat you up if you let it. Last year my step son died unexpectedly at 23 from a virus that effected his heart. It's all been too much seriously.

Speaking of death, people often say how God has this incredible plan for our lives or talk about heaven as if it is this utopia of beauty where no one feels pain or sadness. I have a hard time with this because if there is a God and he is all knowing and loves his children why would he not realize that taking my loved one's away would rip my heart to shreds? Why would this God give me an incurable disease that left me with these holes in my head? How does he know that when my time comes that I want to be with him in this Utopia? Why do we work so hard and play so little if it is all in vain because there is no forever here? I've thought about this a lot and I honestly want to be here with my children and grandchildren; not in some paradise that feels like a vast desert compared to the beauty and love I feel, smell, taste, and see all around me here on earth. It would be heart wrenching to watch over my family from above and not be able hold them when they're sad or comfort them in my death. It just seems unfathomable that our supreme creator could be so sadistic.

Yes, I ponder these things often. Soon I will post again and it will be more upbeat but until then I leave you with the photo above. Appreciate life, love, beauty and your family. Take time to smell the flowers, tell your loved ones how you feel, and stop to appreciate the beauty of earths tiny creatures like this butterfly. I hope that when my time comes heaven is laden with rivers, mountains, valleys, oceans, butterflies, horses, pizza, icecream, and yes my parents and other loved ones who have left a void in my heart all these years because they perished way too soon. Meanwhile, I am going to go practice being a grown up by cleaning something, pay a bill, or accomplish something that will eventually be meaningless to others once I'm gone.

It's been a while

Not sure if anyone actually reads this, but sorry it's been so long since my last post if you do.

First I want to say that I am trying to go back to college. It's been 23 years since my last attempt and sadly they still have my records. Let's just say I am on academic probation for my crappy grades 23 years ago. Somethings never change. It has become quite a task geting all my duckies in a row. They lost my high school transcripts so I am trying to get those. Also, the school would not take my amended tax return for financial aid so I had to call IRS and get a copy of the original transcript. Gosh, I hope that I can get all these things before the end of the month. If not I give up.

The Holidays always bring me down. I have been feeling quite depressed lately. Mostly, due to financial difficulties. When my children where young we struggled every year to provide something for them to open under the Christmas tree every year. That was many many years ago. Unfortunately life is coming full circle and once again I am fretting the holidays and Christmas morning, when I grandchild I am raising will awake to find practically nothing if anything. Why is life forever screwed up??? I don't know what I would do with out my little Pooker's, she is my heart and soul.

Here's hoping that life will be a bit brighter after in the comming year.

Happy Holidays to all

Cin

New Hobby

Well it's been a while since I have posted a new entry. I have been having a major flair up, not that a minor flair up is anything to take lightly. Basically, I've been feeling like crap; weak legs, muscle spasms (aka spasticity), and the newest member of the club, nerve pain down my spine.

On the positive note, I have joined the YMCA and look forward to getting a little more time in the pool. I attended a water aerobics class last week and I am still recouping from attempting jumping jacks in the pool (not as easy as it seems).

Also on the positive side I have taken up a new hobby, metal detection. I purchased a metal detector from drugstore.com and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with Pooky at the beach as I detect and she digs with her little pail and bucket. First however, I need to verify where I exactly I can utilize our new toy. It seems that although there are lists in both Pinellas and Pasco, through the parks and recreation departments, that name places you are "permitted" to detect I have read that many of my fellow metal detection enthusiasts have been warned by park rangers that metal detectors are "not permitted" in their park. I believe a little more investigating is called for in this case.

I am really excited about trying this out and finding my first bottle cap!

The holes and I will keep you up to date on our metal detecting progress.

Ciao for now,
Cyn

CHE SARA' SARA'

Che sara' sara' what ever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, che sara' sara'....

Great song, my father used to sing it all the time. He was in love with Doris Day, which really grossed me out because she was older then him by about 8 years. This song is forever stuck in my head and at times the holes in my head. What was, what is, what will be, the future is not ours to see.

Sometimes, the holes in my head revisit what was. Maybe, it is because my father lives in the land of the past and frequently brings up bitter subjects of what was to my children, his shrink, random people on the street, etc. I try to forget but there it is in my face or on the other end of the phone and it won't go away. Ask my children, they tell their grandfather that they have to go when he starts reminiscing of the nasties of our past but he just ignores their pleas and continues. When we go over there the pictures come out, the one of his friend, Phyllis, who was murdered by a piece of crap rapist 27 years ago. It bothers my children when he does this and it drives me insane.

Unfortunately the past is always there. For those who say the past is the past and you must live in the present must have lived an uneventful what was.

I on the other hand, keep the past bottled up and locked away to keep my loved ones safe from the truth, there are some really psycho people out there. They hide in dark alleys, creep in through bedroom windows, but mostly they live with you or next door. It is a sad fact that most perpetrators of indescribable crimes are people that you know.

Many times over I have experienced shock, loss, regret, anger, and the senseless deaths of people I have known or known of and it really sucks.

Che sara' sara....what will be will be....

I can only hope that one day I will make it to the present but for now I live my facade of being normal and occasionally put my cellphone on silent and throw it in a drawer for good measures so I don't feel compelled t answer it when my father calls.

It is Time for Change

Reading some of the stories that Americans have told on President Obama's Healthcare website, only validates the sad state that this country is in with regards to healthcare.
Why are there so many Americans that are uninsured or underinsured out there???
We need change.
How do we begin? By having our government fulfill the promises made in our Declaration of Independence? Our natural rights state that we have the right to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. When our fore-fathers stated these rights could they see into the future that a right to Life would be persuent only to those who have adequate health care coverage? I highly doubt it.
No where in the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights does it state that we the people only have the right to substandard medical care if we do not have medical insurance. Instead this famous phrase has been used in many tortes to dispute the right to life vs prochoice, the death penalty, and many other topics but never the right to Life for those Americans who work day to day to pay their bills and keep their fingers crossed that they don't get sick and lose their jobs.
Let's discuss the people of our country who toil day to day trying to make ends meet so they can afford a roof over their heads and health care insurance only to drop dead at the age of 50 from heart disease/stroke/cancer/ etc. Thousands of Americans WHO HAVE INSURANCE still die. WHY? Because they are "afraid" to go to the doctor. They are intimedated by employers who disapline the sick when they request time off to see a doctor, they humiliate those who utilize their insurance benefits. How dare people actually use their insurance causing the rates to go up for the rest of the company!
NO! How dare employers use willfull disregard towards a human being and their natural rights to LIFE!
I guess we also have a "right" to find another job. What happened to HIPAA? The brain child of our government to protect the rights of employees and allow them to take time off for health reasons? Too many loop holes, like the right to work laws in many states and the employee having to request the time off in advance. "Hi this is Joe and I won't be coming in next week because I am going to have a stroke and will require 6 weeks off of work. Where do I sign the paperwork in triplicate" How sad.
It is time for a change and no ONE person can do it by themselves, instead we need to take a proactive stance and demand our Inalienable rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as promised when our fore-fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, when our founders declared independence from a monarchy and created a democracy called the United States of America.

On this Mother's Day

What I learned from you


On this day my dear mother, I reflect on what you have taught me through the years.
It’s not always about sadness when a mother dies, you must wipe away the tears.

While you where here with me on this plateau of life, you showed me love and compassion; your smile, whit, free spirit soul, as well as a sense of fashion.

We picked berries, played dolls, you brushed my hair, walked many miles through sand and malls; loved to see movies, take trips, shop for antiques, sit on the causeway and watch the squalls.

Mom, you and I we had so many dreams, life isn’t always fair.
Though the time we had together was cut short, I reflect on the memories and with my children I share.

The artist, teacher, musician, actress you once longed to be; if you could see the beautiful free spirits my babies have become, you would see that they truly resemble you and me.

Thank you mom, for your gifts, your grace, beauty, compassion, and love, I hope that on this Mother’s Day, you are smiling with our God in heaven looking after us from above.

I love you always