Thursday, July 30, 2009


Che sara' sara' what ever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, che sara' sara'....

Great song, my father used to sing it all the time. He was in love with Doris Day, which really grossed me out because she was older then him by about 8 years. This song is forever stuck in my head and at times the holes in my head. What was, what is, what will be, the future is not ours to see.

Sometimes, the holes in my head revisit what was. Maybe, it is because my father lives in the land of the past and frequently brings up bitter subjects of what was to my children, his shrink, random people on the street, etc. I try to forget but there it is in my face or on the other end of the phone and it won't go away. Ask my children, they tell their grandfather that they have to go when he starts reminiscing of the nasties of our past but he just ignores their pleas and continues. When we go over there the pictures come out, the one of his friend, Phyllis, who was murdered by a piece of crap rapist 27 years ago. It bothers my children when he does this and it drives me insane.

Unfortunately the past is always there. For those who say the past is the past and you must live in the present must have lived an uneventful what was.

I on the other hand, keep the past bottled up and locked away to keep my loved ones safe from the truth, there are some really psycho people out there. They hide in dark alleys, creep in through bedroom windows, but mostly they live with you or next door. It is a sad fact that most perpetrators of indescribable crimes are people that you know.

Many times over I have experienced shock, loss, regret, anger, and the senseless deaths of people I have known or known of and it really sucks.

Che sara' sara....what will be will be....

I can only hope that one day I will make it to the present but for now I live my facade of being normal and occasionally put my cellphone on silent and throw it in a drawer for good measures so I don't feel compelled t answer it when my father calls.