Monday, March 9, 2015
It's been a long long time. How are you my friends?
So much has happened since my last post, after all it has been six years. I lost my dad in 2010 and officially became a card carrying member of the "orphan club". Both my parents are gone and now I have to be the grown up. It's not an easy task for someone who has no clue to exactly what a grown up is supposed to do. Hard to believe that someone in their late 40's hasn't reached that point in their life yet. It was a difficult choice but I made it long ago. I enjoyed being the carefree happy spirit and now I'm just old and grumpy.
Two weeks after my father passed away I found out I was pregnant at 43. Unfortunately, I lost the baby at 13 weeks. So not only did I join the orphan club but I became a member of the lost a child club. I think about him sometimes like what he would have looked like or what his first word would have been type things. I occasionally see a small boy the age he would be and I ponder if he would have been like him. It can eat you up if you let it. Last year my step son died unexpectedly at 23 from a virus that effected his heart. It's all been too much seriously.
Speaking of death, people often say how God has this incredible plan for our lives or talk about heaven as if it is this utopia of beauty where no one feels pain or sadness. I have a hard time with this because if there is a God and he is all knowing and loves his children why would he not realize that taking my loved one's away would rip my heart to shreds? Why would this God give me an incurable disease that left me with these holes in my head? How does he know that when my time comes that I want to be with him in this Utopia? Why do we work so hard and play so little if it is all in vain because there is no forever here? I've thought about this a lot and I honestly want to be here with my children and grandchildren; not in some paradise that feels like a vast desert compared to the beauty and love I feel, smell, taste, and see all around me here on earth. It would be heart wrenching to watch over my family from above and not be able hold them when they're sad or comfort them in my death. It just seems unfathomable that our supreme creator could be so sadistic.
Yes, I ponder these things often. Soon I will post again and it will be more upbeat but until then I leave you with the photo above. Appreciate life, love, beauty and your family. Take time to smell the flowers, tell your loved ones how you feel, and stop to appreciate the beauty of earths tiny creatures like this butterfly. I hope that when my time comes heaven is laden with rivers, mountains, valleys, oceans, butterflies, horses, pizza, icecream, and yes my parents and other loved ones who have left a void in my heart all these years because they perished way too soon. Meanwhile, I am going to go practice being a grown up by cleaning something, pay a bill, or accomplish something that will eventually be meaningless to others once I'm gone.